Feeling Girly

Over the years, I have struggled with my weight and my self-esteem. As a survivor of child abuse, I have found many ways to adapt to my insecurities. For example, if I use weight as a shield, I will not attract any unwanted advances. As a teen and young adult, I quickly found that looking good brought unwanted attention. When I got out of Marine boot camp, I weighed the least I had weighed as an adult and was looking very fit. I got a lot of attention from guys on the base, and really felt uncomfortable with that. While I was in the Marines, they were obsessed about weight, appearance, and physical fitness. They expected me to be able to keep up with the men when it came to fitness. Needless to say, the attention to all that did not do much for me except make me stressed. After I was married and out of the military, I eventually started to put the weight back on. I think part of it was due to pregnancy, birth control shot, and depression. I felt lousy and didn't have a lot of energy. I knew I needed to lose weight, but I just didn't seem to have what it took inside to get it together. Once, I had a friend who got a group together who wanted to lose weight. We would get together and weigh ourselves and hold each other accountable. I was doing well and losing a lot of weight doing this, but when our group stopped meeting, I lost interest. Another time, I was doing lots of walking with a friend and losing weight, and again lost interest. Then, Marty got sent to Korea for a year. That is when I hit the most I have ever weighed. I am embarassed to say that in February 2007, I weighed 265 pounds. We moved to Germany and I encountered a lot of stress here as well, which led to me seeing a doctor for my anxiety. The desire of my heart has been to lose weight and get in shape, because I know that it is not good for me to be like this and it is not what God wants for me. I would pray to God to just help me to have some inner will power to get it together. I got on some medication for my anxiety, and it had a surprising side effect: I was no longer able to tolerate greasy food, fast food, soda, sweets, etc. Not only that, I didn't want that stuff and my appetite was smaller. From November to now, I have lost about 50 pounds, 1 shirt size, 1 bra size and 3 pant sizes. At first I felt really guilty that I was losing all this weight and I wasn't doing anything. I really feel that God gave me this jump start gift in the middle of a really hard time in my life. The more weight I have lost, the more I feel better about myself. I am getting out of my comfort zone and doing things that I never would have done before: jumping on trampolines, riding down slides, going on shopping trips with the girls, etc. I have always been kind of a tomboy when it comes to clothes, and I didn't really like to draw attention. I never have been a girly girl or felt particularly girly. In losing all this weight, I have noticed a change in myself. At the age of 37, I am finally starting to feel a little girly. I will wear bright colors now, I like to paint my toenails, I won't leave the house without my hair and make-up being done. The more girly I feel, the more sassy I feel too. It is kind of an exciting time in my life. I feel like for the first time that I am ready to start being more proactive in losing weight. I hope to lose at least 50 more pounds. I am doing this for myself and not for anyone else. I am tired of living life on the sidelines. I want to live life to the fullest.

"My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth."

Psalm 121:2